I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
