A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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