i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
