Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
