even my farts smell like vagina
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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