Capitaan dildo arrescate!
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My breasts were aching with rage.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
