My boss' voice literally gives me gas
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
