Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
just tell him i said nine months
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
