i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize