so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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