I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
