I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
