ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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