dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
