Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I just want nice things and good sex
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
