we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
