I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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