Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
