I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I love how my cats smell like pot.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
