Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Apparently you make a good broom.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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