you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
