finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
