I want to make a zoo with you.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
