tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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