u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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