My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
