this beer tastes like vomit already
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
