I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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