I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
