Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
