can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
God gave him joint rollers for hands
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
