where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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