I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm passing your future prison.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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