Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
