Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
