Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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