I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
