Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
there is glitter all over my balls
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