Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
My hand turned me down
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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