In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I still have a little drunk in my system
Randomize
