Where did you get a picture of my penis
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
