4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
