That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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