when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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