You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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