I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
