since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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