his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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