Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize