when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
