I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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