I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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