shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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