There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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