she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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