She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
