ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
