if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize