And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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