awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
